Vampire relationship problems

14 Reasons Why it (Sometimes) Sucks to be Married to a Vampire, Other Than the Obvious Ones:

1. You might have morning breath. You might have garlic breath. Either way, HE CAN SMELL IT. FROM ACROSS THE ROOM. Because of this, you become incredibly aware of your own breath (as if you weren't aware enough already, what with the "your pulse and breathing rate bring out the bloodlust in me"-ness). To counter this, you take to the unendearing habit of constantly chewing minty gum, which leads me to my next reason:

2. Little noises annoy him. Even though he's too polite to say anything about it, you can still tell: door hinges, nail tapping, that weird snorting thing you do in winter when you have a cold and your throat is all phlegmy. Especially when you eat: chewing, swallowing, the fork tines on the plate. It's downright bloody embarrassing, that's what it is.

3. You can't say "bloody" anything, without him taking it literally or making a corny joke, both of which are painful.

4. And it's not only noises that he's sensitive to, by the way. Smells annoy him, too, as in, B.O. and strong perfume. So you spend all this time stressing about whether you smell bad, or good. (Not, of course, that he would be so impolite as to complain.)

5. I'm sorry, but it has to be said: how can you possibly fart around a vampire? "Um...the dog did it. Bad Rover!" Suuuure. Like he can't tell.

6. He is on a nocturnal schedule, while you are on a diurnal schedule (or your body is, at least.) So morning is like night to him and night is like morning. Problems arise.

7. Of course, one of you can always switch up your schedule to match the others', and since you're the one who doesn't burn in sunlight, well, guess who's yawning at 1:00 AM? I ask you. Being the gentleman he is, however, he will gladly suffer instead of you if need be. After offering to keep human hours so that you don't have to endure, he will roam the world with you at times when other vampires are nearly catatonic.  As it happens, though, a tired vampire is an irritable vampire. So to avoid having him ripping up the living room furniture for no apparent reason, you insist on keeping vampire hours....without a single complaint.

8. He makes a bad pillow. And if he kicks in his sleep, we-eelll. Ouch. But he is very sensitive and takes to hating himself if he thinks he's hurt you. So you try to explain away the bruises, to protect his feelings.

9. Much as he is kind, sensitive, gentle (or..trying to be gentle), intelligent, thoughtful, and soft-spoken, he can just be so damn depressing sometimes. Who cares if our souls are but small moths ever fluttering in the cold black night of an unresponsive universe, futile existences bent only on striving to ignite in a nonexistent flame? Prozac, however, has no effect.

10. So many women fall in love with him that you become paranoid and start to think everyone is falling in love with him. That lady in the checkout isle? How dare she look at him that way! That homeless chick on the corner? Yeah, she's checking him out too! BACK OFF MY MAN, BITCHES!

11. Sometimes when he's half-asleep, he forgets who he is talking to and thinks he's twenty and human again.  Much as you are concerned for his well-being, it's slightly disconcerting to be called "Madeleine" or "Adeline" or "Francoise" or "Estelle" or "Brigitte." Much as it pains you to know it, you realize that your dearly beloved was indeed quite the playa.

12. He is waaay too smart for you, and constantly quotes philosophers whose works you've never read and uses words like "epistemology" and ect. Strange how, despite this, he fails to master such complicated implements as the toaster oven.

13. His insistence that he loves you and only you, however, is occasionally subject to a tiny nagging doubt. You know he loves you...but you also know perfectly well that he would have absolutely no difficulty in hiding up an affair. After all, when he says he's going out to brutally mutilate some oblivious animal/human, where is he really going?